An emotional week


This week has been an emotional roller coaster. I worked full days and physically I was whipped at the end of each day.My tissues from the surgery site still swell and cause discomfort. When I am tired (with or without chemo in my body), emotions rise to the surface.

Wednesday was our wedding anniversary. It would have been 42 years of marriage for us. This year, I did not have the energy to go to Parma and visit the cemetery to place flowers on Lolly’s grave.

Both Todd’s family and Paige’s have been sick the last few weeks and I have missed seeing them something fierce. We cannot be together when anyone is sick. They are a part of my strength. 

Tonight the family is gathering at my sister’s home to celebrate my nephew, Travis’ 40th birthday. I did not have the energy to drive to Parma after work and then drive home to Star in the same evening. I love being with all the family and I miss not being part of the celebration.

Tomorrow morning, barring any negative blood work I will have my third chemo treatment. I have such mixed emotions; dreading the chemo and it’s awful reactions with my body yet anxious to have it. The third treatment marks the half way point of the “hard stuff”. Again I am needing prayer. I finally gave way to an exclusive pity party ( no one else invited but myself) and cried. It felt good to let go of the emotions. In spite of everything difficult this week, I have blessings to share.

Yesterday’s blessings: Phone calls from a friend in Baker City and another friend called from Yakima.

Two co-workers who took me to lunch while my taste buds could appreciate the taste of food. Yummy.

Today’s blessings: A new devotional book given from Drew and Debra. Thank you, friends.

A gift and card sent via mail to boost my spirits from Toni and Ben. How gracious of you to think of me. Again, my thanks.

A morning dove; I left the office on my lunch hour and drove to a shady spot to eat and listen to music. A morning dove shared the shade with me. I watched her breast rise and fall as she serenaded me with her  cooing. Precious to watch and comforting to listen to. She spoke to my heart. 



5 responses »

  1. I am so poor at cards, but am grateful for this way of responding to you and I just say….allow yourself to espress that grief…it is healing! He understands! You are identifying with Him in His sufferings right now…He loves you so much, Nikki and so do I. I miss you!

  2. Nicki I am so sorry that you have to travel down this road.. I think about you and my heart is sadden for the loss of your husband, (me to face that soon) and having Cancer and not having him there with you..I think of you a lot. I wanted to come over and see you but Dick has not been well. The Chemo is no longer working, and he has been in and out of the hospital. They had to put a drain tube in his lung. We now have Hospice with us.. I feel your pain and I cry in the shower, driving down the road or just outside watering my flowers..

    Just know that I think of you and I will continue to pray for you and ask God to walk this walk with you and give you all the comfort you need…

    Call anytime.
    God Bless

  3. Nicki — you will be in our thoughts through tomorrow and the coming week. I wish I could wisk you away to the coast with me next week 🙂

    Take care and have some good rest next week!

  4. Hi Auntie Nicki,
    I wish I lived closer to you to give you a hug and physically be with you on this journey. Indeed you are suffering on so many levels. Even in the midst of your emotional roller coaster, God is present. His Grace is right there through your co-workers, friends who send you gifts. And even through your pain and pity party. He is your Sustainer when you go through those tough chemo treatments. He is your Strength when you can’t drive from town to town. He is your Comforter when you cry and let it all out. He is your Faithful Friend when you can’t be with your family. This week, I love you more than a hawaiian mango! Betsy.

  5. Ncki:
    You crying only confirms to us that you are human. I started wondering about you as I have seen you so many times holding your head high showing no weakness. That is the hardest thing to do when you are around friends and family. I can only imagine what you have to go through, but I know that it is not easy having to take all the detours to get on the right track-to get on the road to recovery….in my mind, all of a sudden, I’m visualizing those “orange” cones and barrells all along your route!! I am thinking of you everyday and praying for you each step of the way. Please call me if you need anything – Pilayo Taxi service is in business weekdays from 4:30 to …..

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