My blog was intended to keep Lolly’s families and mine up to date on my health issues but it has grown beyond. I do not expect comments after each post and I don’t wish to be placed on any pedestal. I am concerned people are doing just that. I am one in millions who have cancer. People and things placed on pedestals usually fall off. I am only human not super human. Writing has become therapeutic for me. My therapy of choice during my husband’s illness was gardening.  Not all of what I write is published. The unpublished words will be a legacy for my children and grandchildren’s eyes someday.

This has been an emotional week. Although I have always had a tender heart and my eyes prone to mist; it is happening more and more. I said goodbye to my neighbor Don on Friday. Attended my great niece, Rilee’s high school graduation; placed flowers on the graves of my husband, his family and mine on Saturday. I came home and crashed.

Rilee is my sister’s first born grandchild and she has always been mine as well. All of my sister’s grandchildren are like my own.  We have an extremely close relationship. Rilee is absolutely gorgeous with eyes the size of silver dollars and a smile that could be in a tooth paste commercial. It was a big accomplishment for her and I cried at graduation.

Memorial Day weekend is always a time of emotional reflection for me; as it is for my friend, Nancy. It will be 11 years on July 13th that my husband passed away. Even after all of this time, there are days that I genuinely miss him.  You cannot be married to someone for years and not long for them. Yesterday I cleaned the upper portion of the china cabinet and held a silver tray in my hands given to us by his family on our 25th wedding anniversary. Lolly thought it was much to do about nothing. He didn’t quite get the message. I am smiling here. In today’s world, it is a big deal to be married that long. I think back on our wedding day when anything that could go wrong did! The wedding day started out badly but the marriage lasted 31 years. I consider that an accomplishment.

I went to church for the first time in over two months today. I attend a big church in Eagle with great music and the sermons touch my heart. I comment on the music because I do not have a musical gene in my body. I must have step out of line to attend the bathroom when God passed out music genes because my portion was given to my younger brother Johnny. He can thank me for that. Smile again here. I arrive at the church at my usual time only to be shocked for the lack of cars parked in the parking lot. I realize we have probably switched to summer hours. Sure enough my suspicion was confirmed when I enter the building and ask what time services start. I made the same mistake the year before. You would think I would remember. I cannot. I drove to Albertson’s for a few items and then ended up being late. I dislike lateness. Every part of today’s service blessed me. 

3 responses »

  1. Don’t worry, not all of us put you up on that pedestal…;) Pedestals are very tipsy and easy to fall off of so best not to climb up on one huh. I put you in the “strong gal, good crier, super friend, devoted mom and grandmom, would kill for family and always there for those you care about” category. I think everyone sees these attributes in you…these are the things that make us love you, respect you and care about you. And we’re going to keep doing it! 🙂 Love you, M

  2. Auntie Nicki, I agree with what Margaret said above, we don’t put you on a pedestal but what you’re sharing from your heart resonates in our’s. Your words help remind me to look to the Lord for help for myself and for others. It’s His wisdom I want/need. Love, your niece, Grace

  3. Nicki, your words today are right and timely, as they always are. Although I have read every word you have posted, I haven’t posted any replies. I felt from the beginning that this was something for your family and close friends, and since I’m not one of your closest friends (sort of a side line friend through my sister) I just kept my distance. Then I wondered if I was “keeping my distance” out of respect for you, or because I lacked courage to speak my thoughts.

    It’s easy, when one is searching for some quality that makes life bearable, to see those gifts in someone else and think they are special in some way that we are not able. But those qualities, be it courage, faith, humor, or whatever, are available to every one of us and we only see them in you because they are in us, too, and we need only to believe it to unlock the chains of fear that keep us from being our best selves.

    I don’t see you on a pedestal–I see you in that easy chair with your grand-babies piled on you, and I think that’s a safer place to be. As Maya Angelou said, “Be yourself — everyone else is taken.”

    Good love.

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