This is harder than I imagined it would be. I am listless and weary. My stomach is in constant turmoil. I am not sleeping at night. I question if the meds are causing insomina since my eyes will only close for an hour at a time. My friend , Jack suggests I call the triage nurse. I do what he  has advised. The nurse schedules an appointment for me to come in and my daughter arrives the next morning to take me to MSTI. My blood pressure which is normally slightly elevated is down today indicating some dehydration. We discuss the reason/reasons why I may not be sleeping. I have gone off the pain meds because I am fearful of the many meds that my liver and kidneys have to flush. I am instructed to go back on the pain meds and not try to push through without them. I am taken back to the chemo room for fluids. My nurse, Denise asks how I am and tears spring to life in my eyes. She takes my hand and sits on the edge of my bed as the tears roll unchecked down my face. She asks if I believe in a higher power. I answer affirmatively. She continues to hold my hand for the longest time assuring me that I will get through the treatments and will emerge a stronger person than I was before. I am touched at how much time she gives me never letting go my hand as we share our faith with one another. I am given a bag of fluid and speak with a nurtritionist to see what I can do to combat come of the stomach distress.  I read Isaish 40:28-31 this morning. “Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”                Although I am weary, God is not.

10 responses »

  1. He holds you closely in the palm of His hand dearest Nicki. My prayer for you tonight is that God will bless you with the sweetest of dreams…you are loved.
    Your friend, Ann

  2. It is so wonderful how God brings us what or who we need at the right time. Thank you God for bringing her nurse Denise into her life at the time she needed her most. My husband Dennis has been given the same Bible verse so many times by so many people we refer to it as “Dennis’ Bible verse” and you read it here. That is what has kept him going as well Isaish 40:31 is even on a hat pin he wears. This is strength for you both. You will get through this and we all will keep praying for you and your family not only for strength but for comfort. Love to you all! Cindy and Dennis Jorde

  3. My heart aches for you. I wish i had great words but ,like my mama, the only ones i can come up with are bad humor. Ha ha. I pray that you can feel the embrace of all the love and prayers that are being said for you. We will continue praying until this journey is over. Many loves and hugs for you.

  4. The song “Wind Beneath My Wings” comes to mind right now………….”Did I ever tell you you’re my hero?” Nicki, you are one amazing, amazing woman. I am so proud of your strength and determination as you fight this battle, and I am counting down your treatments until you are better.
    Maybe next week if you are up for it, I can come and hang out with you. 🙂 You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Love you – Hol

  5. I know that you are feeling weak but your right GOD is not and he will carry you thru all this and hold your hand always. the nurses at MSTI are awesome and they were always there to help others thru all of this stuff and they will be there for you and give you strength as well. hang in there girl your doing great! We all love and pray for you daily as well.

  6. Nicki,
    My heart goes out to you…..you are the strongest and most loving person; you will come thru this
    God is there for you and will also hold your hand. Holly is right on with the song !!!

  7. I’m going to put this in real world terms…you feel like someone ran over you with a Mac truck, saw what they did and then backed up and hit you again. It’s miserable (I won’t go into a stronger explanation) and if you’d like someone to hit…give me a call and I’ll come over…I figure right now you don’t have a lot of strength to hit me too hard. But hopefully, by next week you will be feeling better and stronger…then call me and I’ll send Ron over…he takes hits pretty good. Love you so much and HATE that you have to go thru this. Here’s hoping for a better day tomorrow, and the next day and the next day………


  8. Nicki- I know how easy it is for us to say hang in there – I can’t imagine what you must be going through – I just hope that all of the gracious words of wisdom from all of your friends can help you keep your mind and body strong enough to “shoo” the cancer out!! I can tell you that I have friends that have been through the chemo and they are wonderful success stories and with that I have all the faith in the world that you will get through this. I’m so sorry that you have to go through “the process” to get there. I’m thinking of you everyday

  9. Nicki – I too have a friend that went through a lot of chemo and she told me the other day she is now 6 monthes cancer free. She looks great and has gained back the weight she lost and says she has all of her energy back. She says it is great to feel “normal” again. I know she had a rough time and had to go in for fluid after chemo some times too. She also said the Misti nurses were wonderful. She persevered and made it through and I know you will too. As always, sending prayers and love your way, Tam

  10. Nicki – I think about you everyday when I’m reading my devotional. I miss your kind eyes and radiant smile. I know you are tired and weary but I also know how deep your faith runs and I encourage you to keep using your “sippy cup” every chance you get. I know how difficult the thought of eating or drinking is when your stomach in doing summersaults. Dyllan has often said that food doesn’t taste the same when he’s on chemo, but it’s important in order to keep your strength up. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, many going through chemo need a little fluid intervention every now and again. Stay strong my friend. Thinking of you and sending love and positive thoughts your way. G

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